Cave Canem
by Ri2
Summary: When wandering through the Digital World, be careful who you talk to.
1. Cave Canem

Hey everyone. This is just a little something I thought of while working on one of the chapters for Wind Waker. If anything that I say in this story offends you, it's your own damn problem. Why would you be offended? Well, you'll have to see for yourself. Enjoy! ^ ^

If there had been a sun in the Digital World, it would have been shining down harshly on the person walking through the desert. But since the only thing in the sky was a big blue sphere projecting data beams that represented the real world, there was no heat problem at all. The person walking through the desert was, oddly enough, a human. This was odd because the Digital World was inhabited completely by Digimon, so seeing a human wandering around was a rarity.

The human appeared to be of the female persuasion, although you could never really tell with humans. She was garbed in very peculiar attire, not the kind of thing somebody would usually wear while traipsing about the extremely hostile and dangerous landscape of the Digital World. The human was wearing a beautiful white dress with a skirt that went all the way down to the ground. It was decorated with lace, flowers, and sequins and jewels were sewn into the fabric of the dress. The girl was wearing a pair of very high heels, which also seemed peculiar because who in their right mind would be hiking in a dress and a pair of high heels? Perhaps the girl was a masochist. As I said, you can never tell with humans. She had practically no neckline, so her cleavage was displayed for the whole world to see. Not that I really care about that sort of thing, I'm attracted to more bestial women anyway. Her arms were sleeveless, and clad up to the elbow in long pink silk gloves. Each of her fingers was adorned with a massive gold ring with a jewel on it, in all sorts of colors. She also had a pair of large gold bracelets studded with diamonds. About half a dozen long necklaces hung from her neck, displaying gold, pearls, beads, sequins, diamonds, and lots of other expensive finery that I found rather excessive. We Digimon don't use money, so I didn't really see any reason for her to wear so much jewelry. Aside from the necklaces, there was also a gold collar attached to her neck. Judging by her size and young features, I would have estimated she was about thirteen human years old. But of course, as I've already said, you can never really tell with humans. The reason I say this is because even though she was only maybe thirteen, her face was more beautiful than any humanoid Digimon in the Digital World or any of the adult humans I have sometimes seen through the viewing portals to the real world. As I also said, I'm into more bestial Digimon, so her features did not stir any feelings in my heart. She had eyes that seemed to be a mixture of every color, making them look very strange. A great and glittering diamond tiara was wrapped around her forehead, and she had a pair of large shining earrings that I would have thought too heavy to hang from the ears of a person that young. A pair of large angel wings grew from her back, making me question her humanity, but I knew no Digimon could possibly look as strange as the girl did. Her hair was very abnormal, starting out black then cycling through every color imaginable as it fell down to the ground and trailed behind her for several feet before ending as white. As if all this weren't strange enough, flowers also sprung up from the ground she walked on. At this point, many others would argue she couldn't possibly be human, but I knew better. She smelled human, and my nose never lies.

I stepped out from my hiding place and walked over to her. The girl noticed me and laughed, sounding like hundreds of clear ringing bells. "Oh, what a cute doggie!" she said.

Huh. Cute. That's a new one. "What is a young human like you doing in the Digital World all by yourself? It's dangerous, you know, especially since you don't appear to have a Digimon partner."

She giggled. "Oh, don't be silly! I don't need a Digimon partner!"

My eyebrows raised. "Really? Why not?"

She hesitated. "Well, it's a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?"

I suddenly had second thoughts. "Er, perhaps-"

"All right, I'll tell it to you!" I groaned silently. She began chattering. "Well, a really long time ago the Digital World was ruled by a King and a Queen, a pair of humans that just happened to be my parents! They ruled the World benevolently and all the Digimon loved them, but then one day a Virus Digimon named Blackmon came and overthrew the kingdom with his control over the evil powers of Darkness! He killed my parents, and I would have died as a baby if my parents hadn't sent me to the Real World for safety. I was found and put in an orphanage where I was cold and wet and miserable and underfed and everybody hated me because I was more beautiful and smarter than all of them so they beat me up every day and took all my food so I had to live off table scraps and rats. Then one day I got adopted by a very nice family who respected the fact that I was somehow innately superior to all other humans, but they were killed by Blackmon's henchman and I was up for adoption again. The next family to take me in was really mean and hated me like all the kids at the orphanage had and beat me and hurt me and raped me all the time. I wasn't allowed to go to school and had to do everything they wanted me to like that poor Cinderella girl and I tried to commit suicide lots of times but I never could go through with it." She said, pushing down her bracelets and gloves to show me a disgusting mass of scar tissue around her wrists.

I stared at her. So far everything she said sounded like a complete and total lie, and she had not yet answered my question. "What does-"

She started talking again. "So one day after I was really beaten I had enough and went to the rooftop to jump off. But before I could, a DigiGnome showed up and told me I was actually the Crown Princess of the Digital World. It took me here, where I transformed to my true beauty, as you can see. I discovered I had psychic abilities, could lift weight over a thousand tons, and can run at several times faster than the speed of light. After I learned all these abilities, the DigiGnome told me I had to join the Tamers, who were already in this world, and help them to defeat Blackmon. I've been looking for them ever since. Can you help me find them?"

I eyed her for a moment, not sure how to respond. It was clear to me that the girl was completely insane to have come up with and believed such a ridiculous and contrived story as she had just told me. It would probably be best if I killed her then and there, to make sure she got no further. However…what if some of her story was true? I was a mighty warrior, but I did not want to deal with super strength, speed, or psychic abilities. If she was telling the truth, I could not let her join the Tamers. After some quick deliberation, I came up with an idea. "I do not know where the Tamers are," I told her. "But I know how we can find them. My master is one of the most powerful Digimon in the world. He watches over an entire sector of the Digital World. He will surely know where the Tamers are. I will take you to his palace."

She clapped her hands. "Great! Let's go!" I nodded, and started leading her towards my master's distant castle. She suddenly stopped and gasped. "I just realized something! We never introduced ourselves. My name is Mary Sue. What's yours?"

I gave her a toothy grin. "Chatsuramon."

There's a moral to this story. I hope you figured it out. Please review!


	2. Author's Note

I can see some people aren't quite happy with this story. Perhaps I should explain: You see, I have nothing against Mary Sues in general, just the ones involving characters that happen to be perfect in every possible way and just rub me the wrong way. I don't mind SI fics, as long as they're either not that serious or if the story does not revolve completely around them. Or if the story is well written, that's also an important factor. One example of a SI fic I don't particularly like is Assault of the Elementals by Adamant. While the story is admittedly not too bad, I don't like how the author makes his character quite literally the High God of the Digital World.

So to sum things up, I like Mary Sues/Barry Hues and Self-insert fics as long as the characters are not too cliché or perfect and the story itself is pretty good. I'm not ashamed to admit I did the same thing before I actually knew what Mary Sues were, but I'm satisfied with the stories I wrote them in, because I think I did a good job. (I think.)

And by the way, the actual moral is not to talk to strangers. I just used Mary Sue to demonstrate my dislike for the overdone and cliched ones. After all, why do you think the title means "Beware of the Dog?"


End file.
